Trappin’ Entra-manure

“Horse feathers! See, right heah it says, ‘you have already won ten million dollars!’ I already won it son!”

“Bubba, read the rest of the papers. It will state, somewhere in there in small print, if you are selected as our grand prize winner.” I let loose a stream of tobacco juice as soon as I had spoken. I thought he was lookin’ like a fool.

“Gary, you jes’ ain’t got no faith in your feller man. It says I won the money! Let me open this thang up and show ya!” Bubba tore into the envelope, moved the contents around a bit, and then screamed once more, “Dang! Dang! Looky heah, I even got me a check for ten million dollars! Maude! Maude! We are rich girl!”

Before I could respond, Bubba tore off for the mobile home. I watched as he ran up the steps of the porch, and flung the door open so he could enter at full speed. I knew that further conversation with Bubba was over for the day. I put my hands in my pockets and made my way to my truck. It was people like Bubba, Maude, and my old momma that gave that publishin’ company their business. No, most likely, Bubba would order a bunch of magazines he would never read. As I got into my truck, I realized in his way of thinking, he thought had the money to pay for the readin’ material, after all, didn’t he just win ten million dollars.

I started up my truck and went home.

Four mornin’s later I was at Bubba’s at ‘bout nine. As soon as I pulled up into his driveway I saw him and Maude sitting out on the front porch. I made my way to the porch and took a seat on the top step.

“Well, Gary, you was right. That check wasn’t no good at all.” As Bubba spoke, I knew how much it hurt him to admit defeat. He is a proud man, like most men.

“Bubba, did you finally read the small print after I left?”

Bubba didn’t speak for five long minutes and finally Maude said, “No, he didn’t read a dang thang. He took the check down to the Flat River County Bank. The idiot thought they’d jes’ hand over ten million dollars in cash. The feller down there said the check wasn’t…wasn’t…how did he put it Bubba?” Maude looked over at Bubba with confused eyes.

“He said it was non-nee-go-she-ble. He said it was one of them fax-sim-a-lee’s and not a real check. He showed me where it said all of that on the check. It was way down on the bottom and the print was smaller than a skinny fly’s behind. What kind of trash is all of that? Huh? I ask ya Gary?”

“Bubba, it is all done to get you excited and make you thank you are gonna win the big money. Do you honestly think if you won ten million dollars, the notice would come in a letter? Do you thank they would send the announcement through the mail system? Do you think they would ask someone who jes’ won that kind of money to buy magazines? Heck far, son, they would be heah with the television folks, newspaper fellers, and the whole world, if Bubba Lee won ten million dollars. Look on the bright side though you didn’t lose in money in the deal.”

“Yea he did. He done ordered twenty-six magazines from the company that sent the check.”

Bubba gave a sheepish grin and then lowered his head so we could not make eye contact. He rocked in his rocker for a spell, then raised his head and looked around the barnyard. I could see he was deep in thought.

“Well, not ‘zackly. I called that there magazine company and told ‘em I can’t read, so they canceled my order. But, since I was already on the phone, I did some business.”

At that exact moment two large eighteen-wheeler trucks pulled up on the road next to Bubba’s mobile home. I watched as a tall man, packin’ a huge beer gut, get out and made his way up to the porch. He looked at the metal clipboard in this left hand and scratched his head before he asked, “It is Bubba Lee Claremore’s place?”

“Hit shore is. Y’all got my order with ya?” Bubba rose from his chair as he acknowledged his name and I could see the excitement in is eyes.

“Ok, we found ya. It took us a while to find your place. We’ve been looking since about six this morning. How many Claremore’s on this road anyway?”

“Bout forty of us and all kin. But, your heah now.” “Ok, Bub, where do you want us to unload?”

“I guess the barnyard heah will do for now.” Bubba said as he put his hands in his soiled jean pockets.

“Buddy, I can’t turn fifteen thousand baby chicks loose in a barnyard.” The big man spoke with a look of surprise on his face that Bubba would even suggest that.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it. Me and Gary Lee will start buildin’ some chicken houses soon as you are done unloadin’. Won’t we Gary?”

I didn’t say a word. I just turned and walked away. I still have no idea what happened to the chicks, but I know the plans to trap rabbits died. And, do you know something? I don’t really care. Bubba is one strange cousin.

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