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Who Put the Honey in Honey Bucket?

Who Put the Honey in Honey Bucket? by Gary Benton
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Let’s evaluate a word you may hear in the south, Honey bucket. I can assure you, it has absolutely nothing to do with honey. Actually, it is quite the opposite. In the old days, or last night, dependin’ on your view and location, honey buckets were used when it was too cold or wet for a quick run to the outhouse. Also, those individuals that were sick, pregnant women, or others that were just physically wore down used them. Well, I have talked around the thing long ‘nough, so what is it?

If you think of it as a crude and smelly portable toilet and you’re almost correct. The thing is, most honey buckets these days are large cans or bucket that a person uses for bodily functions. Now, in the real olden days, let’s say a hundred years ago, they had ‘em real fancy honey buckts. Often they had pictures of a enemy in ‘em. Let’s say y’all are British (heaven forbid) you might have had one in the olden days of that Napoleon feller in it. So, each time you did a number one or two, old Nee-poll-lee-in got himself a face full. Sounds good, so far, huh? I know, you’re imaginin’ your mother-in-law or ex-wife’s picture in the thing, right?

Well, nonetheless, I can assure y’all they do stink…and that is if it is only used for number one. Iffen you use it for number two, Nadine hide the cows. Lordy, a honey bucket can get down right ripe and that is if it is only used over night. But, per usual, I am getting off track here.

To use a honey bucket, you gotta have a real sense of good balance, or else you spill the honey. For most fellers, doin’ a number one, it ain’t that hard, and does it matter if we are off target a might? But for the ladies, well, it is balancin’ time, Lucille. See, you have to sit on the thing, or get as close as you can. Thank of it as a kind of crude redneck bombsite, complete with target, near as I can compare. Only, the key is body positionin’ and proper use of the legs. You must be clearly over the honey bucket prior to release, or it does tend to upset some folks.

Now, there are social rules associated with the proper and formal use of the honey bucket. Always remember, number two is frowned upon and you are expected to empty the pot immediately. And, emptying the pot immediately kind of voids its use to start with. I mean, if you got to go and if you use a honey bucket, and then you have to empty it, why not just use the outhouse in the first place? The second rule is you never, I mean never, fill the bucket up to within one inch of the top. The person who has to empty it and it may very well be you in the mornin’ will thank you. I would prefer to walk through a minefield blindfolded than carry a full honey bucket.

Now, if you are visiting the south and have to, well, you know, you won’t find no honey bucket within sight. No, it’s there, but our social graces have standards. And, those standards state clearly that honey buckets are kept out of view. Relax a bit, it’s there, if y’all know where to look. Look under the bed, or in the closet for the honeybucket. Both locations are typical for proper social storage of Southern honeybuckets, and us southerners are real stickers for followin’ social rules and all (That’s why we don’t spit chewin’ tobbaco juice on the floor when we go shopping at the mall).

So, the next time it is too cold or wet to run to the outhouse, find your buns (literally here) a honey bucket. Remember your balance, no fillin’ within one inch, and if you number two, you take ‘er out. So far are y’all following me? I have tried to go slowly and explain the whole shebang, but I know just as shore as Bubba’s beagle chases parked cars, some of y’all ain’t heard none of what I done wrote. But, that’s ok, cause it’s your turn in the mornin’ to smell the honey….yep, you get to empty the honey bucket. Y’all sleep well now, heah?

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